I got a phone call today. One I would of preferred not to get. It’s not a dreaded “______________ passed away today.” or another sort of horrid news. It did hurt, but the comment afterward hurt too.
Let me just empty my filled up heart of emotions.
Tomorrow, I was supposed to go see my primary doctor. Only I got a phone call today, that she quit taking my government issued health insurance 2-3 weeks ago. Was the wait to let me know really necessary? When they told me, my heart just sank… I heard the voice mail, called and had them tell me again, and the water works began.
When you have multiple medical problems and are in the process of being tested/diagnosed/treated for multiple rare invisible illnesses, starting all over is nothing, but an agonizing and heavy-hearted scenario that requires much more energ than you have to offer. Needless to say, it is something you rather not have as your new reality.
It hit me like a fright train.But, there’s more…
I mustered up the courage to dry my eyes, grab my mountain of things for my Wednesday night of fun, and walked out the door to begin to church.Only to hear my neighbor look my way, and utter words about what a grouch I am – and how she could hear every word I mumbled in a higher than normal volume. And, from inside my apartment.
You know, on days like these, the only words that make sense are:
“If you got the phone call I did, you would be too.”
Let’s expand that a little bit:
“If you walked in my shoes and felt like I often feel,
you would be a bit more grumpy and less outwardly put together – too.”
What did I actually say? I shared what just happened, and that I am handling it by crying and praying. God knows my need to see a doctor who is willing to treat me. Even when I don’t physically appear to be sick to others who know me, God knows my physical condition. More than anything, though, I just need grace.
On days like these,
I just need grace.
A whole lot of grace – as I face
a puzzle of tiny pieces that have
been slammed into the wall, and
they have to be picked up, rearranged, and
gently put back together in a careful manner.
I don’t deserve favor, but grace would be lovely.
It would be the ice that begins the healing process
to my wounded spirit… as I walk down this same
broken road that I thought I would never walk
down again… at least, not so quickly…