I feel like I could go back and forth in my thoughts on all the ways I am unworthy. Not only about how unworthy I am, also about how God shouldn’t have to deal with my mess. I feel like I could go back and forth arguing with God about how it’s too messy. Telling God “You don’t understand…”
Think of a panicked widow.
Maybe, a widow is the wrong example.
More like a panicked sinner.
A panicked sinner, in desperate need of God’s grace.
She doesn’t fight against God, knowing He won’t forgive her.
She fights against her spirit reminding her of how unworthy she is.
If I could, I would continue on panicly trying to clean the sin spots. The effort wouldn’t remove the stains, but maybe if I could make myself better… Make myself somehow more worthy. Somehow soothe the attacks I feel come against me. I have a healer who stands ready to help me, heal me, and take care of me.
“God, You don’t understand. This is messy. You deserve more…. But, maybe I am the one who doesn’t understand. I know You are holy. Your understanding is greater than mine, but somehow I find myself obsessively panickly scrubbing and running- 0ut of fear. Help me to solely trust You. That is all I need to do. Help me to trust You. I have come so close to a breakdown. Not only spiritually, also emotionally. Thoughts of self-destruction, anxiety, panic attacks, and other things have come on strong. All I need to do is come to You. You knew what You were asking when You said “Come to Me… All You who are heavily burdened, come to Me. Help me to trust You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
I wish I wasn’t so screwed up mentally. I wish I could think clearly, to appropriately fight this fight. If I wasn’t so anxious and panicked, maybe I would have less pride, stubbornness, and distrust in giving my God all of me – like He has asked me to do.I pray if I just need a little bit extra sleep and rest, then it will come find to me. Being so screwed up mentally, is making the attacks feel much worse than if I was well rested and a functional cognitive human being.